Even after almost two years of your death, we are still in utter disbelief that you are gone. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about how things would be now if you were still here with us.
I’ve tried to come to peace with myself and accept that God has a plan for each and every one of us and that it was his plan to have you join his side as soon as you did. But I can’t.
I fell in love with your son because of the amazing soul, morals and beliefs that you and my suegra made sure to instill in him. I fell in love with his love for family, which I noticed that,the moment he came into my life again.
You meant and mean so much to him; seeing the pain that was left in his heart the day you passed away, has made life without you a bitter pill for him to swallow.
He was quiet and we did not talk about it. I felt him absent and thoughtful all the time but he just wouldn’t talk about it. He bottled in all of his emotions and kept them to himself. I worried sick about the possible negative emotional effects that this could have on him.
At times when he would finally break down and cry, he blamed himself for not paying closer attention to your medication intake. He wondered if he would have been more aware of you not following up with your doctor to get your blood pressure medication, that your heart attack could have been prevented.
When you were still in the hospital, he prayed day and night for those 12 long days of agony. He wanted to move mountains with his faith and was almost sure that you were going to get better and wake up from that coma. That he would also wake up from what he thought was a nightmare.
I think this comes and goes. I can’t say with certainty that he does not feel some type away about the first three stages. There are days that I feel him so discouraged with everything, almost disconnected from the world. There were still so many things for him to learn from you. He had just been a father for five short months when you passed. He needed you to be there and tell him that he was doing a good job. Or even to tell him that he was doing wrong even if his way of raising Noah was going to be different than the way you raised him. He wanted you to see Noah take his first steps, speak his first words and for you to give him all the love that he saw you give to Alex’s(his brother)kids. He felt like Noah was robbed of the privilige to have you as a present abuelito.
This does not come easy and I don’t think it ever will. But I think more than acceptance it has been resignation. He’s only accepted the reality that he has a family that he must move forward for but the pain of losing you as soon as he did, remains.
I just want you to know, whereve you might be looking down on us from, that your son is the most magnificent father I could have given my child. I know he has struggled without your guidance and approval but he is doing a great job. Thank you for creating and leaving me with a man that has a heart of gold and such a loving soul.
We miss you. We love you. We remember you.
December 12, 2014